Tag Archives: onions

New Muckville Kickstarter campaign update

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My daily Muckville Kickstarter campaign update!

A couple of new backers have come on the scene. I now have 17 backers for a total of $617 … I am at above 10% of my goal!

AWESOME!

Thank you again to all of my new and previous backers!

Here is a useful link. On my Kickstarter page you can find my bio link here:

http://www.kickstarter.com/profile/1176629437

Click on the text that says “See full bio & links” to read my bio and for a series of links about me and some of my public policy activities.

Again, if you can back me fantastic … and if you can spread the word and encourage your friends to back me … better yet!

In the meantime enjoy these videos which are stories that ran on WABC 7 Eyewitness News in NYC about he devastation of Hurricane Irene and my subsequent $150K 50 lb bag of onions on eBay ad. My dad with his reference to Oprah Winfrey totally steals the show in that story.

The backstory on our first two CNN appearances

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The following is another brief excerpt from my yet unpublished memoir, “Muckville: Farm Policy, Media and the Strange Oddities of Semi-Rural Life.” It deals with the backstory involving Eve and I’s first two CNN appearances.

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As the 1999 growing season progressed a devastating drought began to slowly affect the eastern seaboard. By mid-August the effects and toll taken on all sorts of crops began to become evident. In late August Eve and I were contacted by CNN. I got a call from producer Frances Causey. She had come across some of my materials regarding crop insurance and asked if we would mind being interviewed for a story about the drought and the problems with crop insurance. We happily agreed. I sent Frances a ton of information, and then we spoke a bit about Ken Ackerman. I related all that had happened in our meetings with Glickman, how Glickman and his operatives knew how poor the onion policy was, and how the buy-up policy in particular was essentially a rip-off. And how USDA officials, and Ackerman in particular, would continue to state untrue things like “CAT was free” and the onion farmers of Orange County were in a situation that was their own fault, because the failed purchase the buy-up. This was despite Glickman saying this sort of thing would stop. I also told her what happened with American Vegetable Grower and how USDA put pressure on the magazine to pull the USDA official’s offending quote.

(Note: Frances Causey is the Producer and Co-Director of the fantastic documentary “Heist: Who Stole The American Dream.” http://www.heist-themovie.com/theTeam.html)

She told me that CNN planned on interviewing Ackerman as they interviewed Eve and I for the story. I told Causey that Ackerman and the USDA would certainly try to pull the same sort of stunt that they did with American Vegetable Grower a year before.

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On August 17th, 1999, veteran CNN correspondent Gary Tuchman and crew came to our farm to interview us. Like Randall Pinkston of CBS Tuchman was very friendly and kind. They spent much of the day interviewing Maire Ullrich, the vegetable crop agent at the time for Cornell cooperative Extension, Eve and me. The piece was outstanding (it had one small error, it stated I had CAT coverage at the time but in 1999 we actually had the buy-up, despite how bad it was.) It was a pretty devastating indictment of the current crop insurance program. Ackerman was interviewed separately in Washington by a stringer crew. And Ackerman, predictably, placed the blame everywhere but himself and the Agency. The piece reported:

“’Our program is often very bureaucratic,’ said Ken Ackerman of the department. We have a number of legal restraints that make it difficult for us to respond to situations.” Tuchman then states. ‘But Ken Ackerman says that the current system of taxpayer-supported crop insurance, for which farmers pay just a small fee, often should be supplemented with so-called ‘buy up’ policies for extra coverage.”

So, once again Ackerman attempted to mislead the press and public regarding the true cost or value of CAT and wrongly blame the farmers for their current predicament. Though very pleased with the piece, which ran the evening of August 17,1999 and also multiple times on CNN’s Headline News channel, I was very angry about Ackerman’s quotes and implied blame. After the piece aired I spoke with Butch May at USDA and told him to tell Ackerman that “I thought his mommy dressed him very nice for his TV interview.”

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You may wonder, even though it held such little value, why on earth did we buy the buy-up policy for the 1999 growing season? Because of Eve and my view that we did have a responsibility to assist in managing our risk. So, though a waste of money, we felt that the position of having bought it strengthened our ability to work within

the framework of the system to fix the policy. We figured, it would be kind of hard to argue for a “No Stages” program if we didn’t actively participate within the system. So, we bit the bullet and bought it. And to this day we believe it was a factor in motivating Grau to put so much pressure on RMA/FCIC and the various bureaucrats to get us that pilot and listen to our concerns. Of course Congressman Gilman putting incessant pressure on them helped.

As the summer progressed into autumn it quickly began to sink in how bad the losses from the drought were and how little even our buy-up policies were going to help. In early October, CNN producer Frances Causey called us and asked how things were going. We told her the drought was worse than even we thought it would be and the year was going to be a real body blow. She asked if they could interview us for a rare follow-up story and we happily agreed. She also said that this time she would be coming out with reporter Gary Tuchman and crew.

Causey, Tuchman and crew arrived on October 14th  to shoot the 2nd story. Once again Tuchman was very kind, matched only by the warmth expressed by Causey. As we re-capped what had developed since their first story Frances, while laughing, detailed what happened with the Ken Ackerman interview. She was simply amazed that Ackerman and USDA did exactly what I predicted they would do, how he would imply CAT was free and the farmers were at fault for not buying the virtually worthless buy-up (we told Frances the one small error in the piece was that we did in fact have the buy-up insurance for the 1999 crop year but inexplicably they reported again that we only had CAT) and she confirmed that Ackerman and USDA were very displeased with the portions involving him in the August piece. “Ackerman and the USDA implied we took him out of context but look at this,” she then pulled out a document from her bag and continued, “this is the word for word transcript of his interview. He didn’t say what he said just once, he kept repeating it over and over again.” What a surprise … not.

The 2nd  piece aired all day on October 15th  and it too packed an incredible punch.

It was at this point that Eve and I kicked it into high gear in regards to not only fighting for changes to the crop insurance program but also for a special disaster aid program for the onion growers of Orange County. This was now the third devastating year out of four and we needed some sort of special assistance to continue to survive as an industry in our region. When we first started raising the possibility of such aid in 1998 we were told by Representative Gilman’s press secretary that it was an “unrealistic request.”

But when you are wiped out three out of four years you don’t accept such a rejection. In 1999 President Clinton signed a $1.4 billion ad-hoc disaster aid package passed by Congress. The structure and formulation of that ad- hoc disaster aid program was based on the very same federal crop insurance program which made necessary that aid package to begin with. Well, we knew we would need more targeted help. In the October 1999 CNN piece Tuchman reported our assessment that the aid package would only provide us with pennies on the dollar on our losses. And when it was eventually appropriated we learned that we were correct.

Another meniscus tear ….

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Back in 2008 I noticed a funny thing going on with my left knee. Every time I would kneel on it and put pressure on it it felt as if I was kneeling in and grinding my knee in broken glass. It would also burn and hurt when I worked the barn forklift by the end of the day. After delaying for months, hoping it would get better on its own, I went to a fantastic local Orthopedic Surgeon, Dr. John Juliano.

http://www.crystalrunhealthcare.com/Find-a-Doctor/Doctor-Profile.aspx?docID=96

He had an MRI done and sure enough, I had a meniscus tear. In late December, when Eve started her break from work, I had arthroscopic surgery done on my knee and within a couple of months, well before the start of the new growing season, I was totally back to normal … or as normal as I typically get.

Fast forward to this year … I’m chasing our one cat around, Bauer, and I go to my knees to try and catch him under the bed and …. YOW!

Once again, once I kneel on it it feels as if I’m kneeling in broken glass.

In October I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Juliano again

(I brought him two red onions)

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and he ordered another MRI. In my follow-up visit (which this Thursday will be 2 weeks ago) he said that the MRI was not 100% definitive but it appears I have another tear. He suggested I try a steroid shot in my knee and see how that worked. If after the shot the pain is reduced I could skip the surgery but if not I could get the surgery.

Ever see the size of those needles they use to inject the steroid into your knee? I never had either, until like an idiot I made the mistake of glancing at it as he thrust it into my knee.

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Holy crap, that was a needle! I’m not one that gets squeamish around needles, but did I mention, that’s a huge friggen needle?

And my knee actually hurt for 4 days afterward. Even after the shot discomfort subsided my knee still felt weird. So much so I reduced the weight I placed on it all week as I worked the forklift and bundled the boxes as we graded onions.

(like you see demonstrated here)

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That compensation, favoring my right leg and side over my left, led to me horribly screwing up my back this week. So much so I had to see my friend at a local therapeutic massage establishment to work on my back and neck this Saturday. She is a wonderful healer, and her work on my back Saturday helped, but it’s still messed up.

So, what do I do? Do I get the surgery or not?

I can stand the pain. That doesn’t bother me. And it isn’t often I am on my knees while doing my various farm tasks over the season.

One exception, when I sit on the back of the planter, as demonstrated this spring when Caleb and I were on the back of the planter as we planted a field of my dad’s onions.

As I told Dr. Juliano, I don’t mind the pain. My concern is this, what happens if I do nothing and then in the middle of my growing next season my knee tears even worse, requiring surgery then? What do I do then? I can’t afford to not be able to work April-October.

It’s now a week and a half after getting the steroid shot and I still feel the “kneeling in glass” sensation when I kneel and put pressure on it. The shot didn’t change that at all. Also now there are times during the day it throbs or I have minor discomfort that I didn’t notice before. And it hurts pretty significantly at the end of the day when I operate the forklift all day.

So what say you? What should I do? Get the surgery or not?

Here are some interesting links on this:

http://www.orthogate.org/patient-education/knee/meniscal-injuries.html

http://www.miamisportsmedicine.com/MeniscalInjury.html

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Orthopedics/peculiar-knee-pain/show/415976

 

My beautiful Russian bride to be and our e-mail romance or … a fake bride to be meets a time traveling soldier from the future!

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In 2011 my onion crop was utterly destroyed by Hurricane Irene and Tropical Storm Lee.

I was so desperate, looking to prod the Congress into providing a crop loss program I put a 50lb bag of onions on eBay for $150,000.

By December of 2011 I was very deep in debt and still unsure as to what I would do next. I was under a great deal of pressure and very depressed. I needed something to divert my attention.

And on December 12th, 2011, I got a spam/scam e-mail that was just what the doctor ordered.

Normally I just quickly delete such nonsense but this time I decided to respond and see where it went. Below is the entire chain of e-mails between my potential Russian bride and myself. Also included are the actual sent pictures. My friends on Facebook enjoyed this immensely as I posted all of it as it happened back in 2011. I hope you all enjoy it as well!

From: “ANGEL” <ylmyyxy@hackney.gov.uk>
Subject: You look gorgeous
Date: December 12, 2011 4:33:20 PM EST
To: <evelynf@warwick.net>
Reply-To: “ANGEL” <ylmyyxy@hackney.gov.uk>

Hello there How are you currently doing? I like your profile.

Are you wanting to check out my own private pics?

Mail me at whitmancrk846@hotmail.com and i’ll answer back with my private pictures.

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: ????
Date: December 12, 2011 5:49:18 PM EST
To: whitmancrk846@hotmail.com
Hi,

I just got this e-mail:

Hello there How are you currently doing? I like your profile.

Are you wanting to check out my own private pics?

Mail me at whitmancrk846@hotmail.com and i’ll answer back with my private pictures.

What profile did you see????
C
From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 15, 2011 5:41:01 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: HELLO!

Chris hello! I am glad to receive letter from you!!
my real name is Evgeniya! Now I am writing to you from pers-l email!
I would like to have a relationship with you although I don’t know if
that’s possible in Int. but so I’m looking just for a good man!
it is my first time I try to correspondence with man in Int. world.
I want to see real life and it is impossible to see without
person who knows all sides of the life …….
Today many used a special program for young people who wants to
work abroad. I also decided to do so and to use it. This program just helps to
register documents and gives suitable work in any state(town)of USA,
Canada or Europa (or other big country). I just need to choose.
I already started to register documents and now I need to decide in which city I want to work..
I plan to work in sphere of services or trade!
I decided to find a men and make his city to be my purpose.
I will leave my town in a few days or so. I can’t tell you everything exactly right now……
..Im 24 years old. I do hope that you will be not disappointed to meet me
in real life if we will meet
Please forgive me that my e-mail starts to be too long
I also want to see your different photos and hope to know you better!
I want you to know that I have only good intentions.

I will send you more photos, I hope you’ll like it.
I think you are interested that I don`t have a boyfriend, because all
men here look on my visual aspect and I want somebody who will look inside me.
…my pictures….S E X Y….  BUT….I’M NOT INFO TAKING NAK.. PHOTS!
I really apologize if you think now I’m not a good girl…
I hope you don’t think so.. )

I hope to see your answer soon!!

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 15, 2011 10:58:34 AM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: HELLO!

Dear Evgeniya,

Thank you for your wonderful response and your fantastic pictures. You are such a beautiful woman and from the text of your e-mail you are beautiful on the inside and on the outside as well. But, I have to ask, when you say “my pictures….S E X Y….  BUT….I’M NOT INFO TAKING NAK.. PHOTS!” is that a hard and fast rule, or do you bend it a little bit? Just kidding.

A little about me, I’m 45 years old, college educated, I have an M.A. from the University of Iowa in Broadcasting and Film Studies, my specialty, the international spy and man of mystery, James Bond. I studied his ways very much. I am married 21+ years to 1 woman and the father to 2 young boys. Currently my wife wants to keep me. I am an onion farmer on a farm 1 hour north of New York City. Our crop was destroyed by a terrible flood this year and currently I am very poor. I like beer and vodka and a drink called 4 Loko. My great grandfather on my dad’s side came from Poland to start the farm and my great grand parents on my mom’s side came from the Ukraine to mine coal. We are people of the dirt and the earth. Sometimes I go to Washington DC to talk to bigwigs about the plight of the farmers. Many of the bigwigs love the farmers but currently we aren’t experiencing much love. Though my brother farms he also works as an international head hunter and has been to Russia and the Ukraine many times and speaks Russian. He also goes to Italy to vacation every winter. I am like my brother and on occasion take my family to eat at the Olive Garden restaurant.

Are you sure about the no NAK PHOTS? Just kidding.

So, what sort of man and work are you looking for? There are some men here in my neighborhood that would be interested in a beautiful person like you, but they are men of the dirt. As I said, I think my wife wants to keep me for the moment, though if she sees this e-mail she may have some second thoughts. What country are you from?

Here is a Facebook page about our weather disaster, it has some photos you can enjoy: http://www.facebook.com/savemyonionfarm?sk=wall

Well, I look forward to your response. Tell me, what is your favorite American television show? Do you like Dos Equis beer?

Talk with you soon,

Chris

From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 16, 2011 1:00:06 PM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: HELO!!Hello!
I sent you the LETTER yesterday and a PHOTOS !This time I will write you more about myself.
First of all my full name is:
E v g e n i y a
T r o i m o w aMy address here is:
Rus.Federation, Barkhatowo, Chkalowa street 3 flat 7, post code(zip) – 662524.I am 24years old (not too young I think?  )
My birthday is 7 January I’m 154 cm tall (5.5) and 52 kg weight..

I write to you from Internet Cafe!
There is no any messenger in this Cafe so we can only keep emailing each other?
ok, So now you have a representation of who I am….
I like to try new things..

What do you think about my new pictures?
kiss

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 16, 2011 3:55:13 PM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: HELO!!Hi Evgeniya,I sent you a reply yesterday but it seems you didn’t get it. I surmise that based on the text of this e-mail. So I will re-send what I sent you yesterday, based on your initial response, but first I will respond to this e-mail. I enjoyed your 2 new photos. You are a lovely lady that is rootin tootin sure! You are not too young, especially by Malaysian standards. I don’t know metrics but your height and weight sound quite good. I don’t like women who are tall enough to dunk a basketball and heavy enough to block a blitzing linebacker in American football.I greatly appreciated the kiss … my wife not so much.Chris

From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 17, 2011 7:12:17 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: write you more…
Reply-To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>

Hello!Chris,today I will tell my parents about you (or it is not necessarily  ??), I’m sure they will be happy that someone is waiting for me over there!

I think you should know more about my life and my hobbies
so you will know if we have any common interests.

I don’t know exactly my waist, hips measurements, I
don’t have a reason to measure it because I think it’s OK and my body is proportionate )) I take care of my body, I do aerobics three times a week and I go to the swimming pool twice a week.I have a younger brother! We all (me, my brother and my parents) live in two-rooms flat. As I wrote you I live in Russa. The name of my city is Barkhatowo, it’s near Krasnoyarsk city. Barkhatowo is very small and
Krasnoyarsk is a large city, the main city in our district. I graduated from Krasnoyarsk Humanitarian University two years ago. I`m a menager of the big shop, my city is small but we have a big shop here. Sometimes I attend courses in Krasnoyarsk so I have several diplomas, but you know in russia we don`t have good work opportunities. But this work help me to take care about myself. When I come to your city I think it won`t be a problem to find work on my specialization (I shall work as the simple seller). My mother is a teacher of music in the school. I also could play a piano a little. I like classic music, jazz, rock, lounge. I like all kinds of music! A little about my father: he is in a good shape because we usually make exercises together, he doesn`t work now, because he is retired already. I love both my parents and I’m happy my parents will be not alone when I leave them and will go to another country. Of course I will miss everybody but I want to have my own happiness!

do you have an International Airport in your city? please write me it’s name an code. or write me the name of the nearest INTERNATIONAL Airport to you.

If you want I can call you when I will be in Capital, it would be nice to talk to you. We don’t have international calls here. I suppose in few days I will fly to Moscov and start my trip! I hope you are not getting bored to read my emails?

ok… it’s time to finish my mail.

E.

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 17, 2011 12:24:21 PM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: write you more…Hi Evgeniya,As always I enjoy your e-mails and I GREATLY ENJOYED YOUR PHOTOS! It is good to see you are a fun of summer, winter and indoor sports and you take good care of yourself. I am assuming you are probably on a high fiber diet as well, which is good! Tell me, do you eat lots of onions. As I mentioned in my last e-mail, I am an onion farmer and it warms my heart when someone tells me they love onions. Onions are also very good for the digestive system. In fact, a cabbie in Washington DC once told me, “onions are good for flushing the inner cavities.” He was a very wise man and I was also told never to argue with cabbies in Washington DC anyway.My wife found my e-mails to you (she has spyware on my computer) and she wasn’t very happy. At first she threatened to beat me with an American baseball bat but then she got jealous and now we have been making love like rabbits. Frankly, I have needed an oxygen tank to satisfy her the last day. So good thing you didn’t send any NAKE photos, who knows what would have happened to me. I might have been killed, by violence or by violent love, it’s hard to tell with her.As I said I am a farmer and our crop was destroyed this year. If you go to this Facebook page you can see the sad story:http://www.facebook.com/savemyonionfarm?sk=wall Do you have any wealthy friends that can send me money? I am thousands of dollars in the hole and need lots of money and I hear in Russia there are some rich people that can help. Do you know any of them that can help me?

As I mentioned I live near NYC. I am not near any airports though. I am near some bus stations, but they are very dirty and the bad men who drink lots of whiskey and smoke meth and who like to pee in the corners sleep there. You don’t want to come there.

I have a Masters Degree in film studies and studied James Bond and have been on tv many times. I talk to politicians about onions and rivers and dirt and things of the earth. And I beg for money. What are your degrees in. I can get you a job on the farm but I don’t think you would like it much. It is hot and stinky and my dad would want to hug you all the time. He is always trying to hug the pretty news reporters. Sometimes they hug them, sometimes they don’t. He offers to let them pick rocks but they just laugh. You wouldn’t laugh at my dad, would you? He’s just 100% Polish, he can’t help it.

I’ve included a couple of pictures and if you go to the Facebook page you can see many more of the farm.

I think your body is well proportioned. Eat more onions!

Talk with you soon,

Chris

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From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 18, 2011 6:25:04 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: I wrote you not all…hello, ok!! :)I write to you thefifth letter.. I hope you read these letters?  sorry, I just want to add few things… I think last time I wrote you not all my thoughts… My mind is always in a mess when I write you because it’s hard to write everything to somebody who is so far away. I don’t remember if I wrote last time I’ve never been married, don’t have kids but I love them and they love me! I And I want to tell you that I always wanted to find an older man. Why? I have two answers.. Firstly, I think older men are much more serious and they can take care of me, they are more experienced in life and can teach me many things. Have you heard a saying “The older the violin, the sweeter the music”? I believe in it… I think I’m not that young already but I don’t have much experience in life and I want to have someone who has more experience in life then me. Secondly… maybe I’m not right about it… but I want to be honest I’ve always had such worry… if I marry a man nearly my age… and after some years I will become not that young and beautiful… I think it’s more hard for a woman to be attractive then for a man… and he will find a younger mistress and I will become very miserable. I don’t want my man to be unfaithful. I know I can be faithful to my man and I will never cheat on him.
But this is just my worries. This is not my goal. Please tell me if you think you will love your woman at any age and not find a younger one? Can you be faithful? Also I want to tell you that I learned english in university, so I don`t use any translators, and I can speak english as good as I write on it. I hope we will have no problems in communications. I feel that you are very nice man I really want to meet you. If you will not like me or something else we can be just friends. I hope I will get my work visa soon in Moscow and all documents and I come to you! I don’t have any area limits with this visa so I can work where I want. I don`t know exact day of my arrival, but as soon as I will know I will write it to you. You know, I’m just trying to be honest with you and write you all my thoughts on different issues. Please be always honest with me also….I am sending you my best pic! I am sorry for my strange attitude. My thought are so contradictive about us. This pic was taken by my girlfriend. I want you to see all of my body so you know how I look and don’t get too much surprised after we meet. I understand that it is important to all men and you’re not the exception. I respect men’s attitude. Once again, I am sorry and I hope you don’t get me wrong for sending this photo to you. I have no more similar pics! sorry!I will write you later, I will look if I have more nice photos to send you. Have a good day!Evgeniya

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 18, 2011 4:04:46 PM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: I wrote you not all…Dear Evgeniya,As always I enjoy your e-mails and your wonderful photos. I sent you a reply yesterday with some photos of me, did you get them? If you didn’t I can re-send them. I am going to include the text of my e-mail below incase you didn’t get it.I read and cherish every one of your letters. It’s okay about your mind, my mind is a mess too, but mostly from drinking too much beer and 4 Loko. I am very happy you like older men and kids, because as I mentioned I am 45 and currently married and the father of two boys. In my last e-mail I wrote how my wife discovered our e-mails via the spyware she has on my computer. She is not happy with me today. She is not very big on the idea of you coming into our lives. Do you watch the HBO tv show “Big Love?” It’s about a crazy man with many wives at once. Why would one man want many wives at once? I do not know for sure, except that his heart is so big he can’t help but share it with more than one woman … and he’s crazy too. I tied to tell my wife how good an idea this is but then she chased me with a frying pan.Currently, as I mentioned Evgeniya, I am very poor. I am a man of the dirt, I grow onions, and the river flooded me this year. This page on Facebook tells the story with sad pictures and sad stories on tv and in the press. Did you watch them? Do you like and eat onions? A woman who loves me must love onions. She must be willing to smell like an onion … all over.

http://www.facebook.com/savemyonionfarm?sk=wall

I can love a woman of any age, except 80 years old and older. That’s too old for me. I would not look for a younger mistress, I promise you that. I even told that to my wife this morning when I talked about you. And that’s the truth. I don’t think my wife is going to leave me or share me with you. She’s old fashioned in that way. She’s also a coupon clipper.

You said, “Firstly, I think older men are much more serious and they can take care of me, they are more experienced in life and can teach me many things.” What sort of things are you talking about? Love making techniques, how to parallel park, how to do credit default swaps, because there are some things I know more about than others.

I know you are looking for a man to take care of you, but currently in America we don’t have the same form of universal health care as in other western nations. We don’t have a public option with free health care for all under Obamacare, it’s just like Romneycare, which Mitt Romney was for, before we was against it. So now we have to depend on jobs with health insurance and my lovely wife currently has the job with the health insurance. So, if you come here, and she gets mad and leaves me, that will leave me with no money and no health insurance. That will mean that I will have to leave America and go back to Russia with you. So, is there space in your apartment for me in Russia to move in with you? Can you take care of an older man who would never leave you? I am a hard working man of the dirt who would love you at any age. I have some digestive issues as well as some issues regarding germs and some drinking issues as well. I am just being honest with you.

I love these new pictures so much. Do you have any more, especially like the black & white one? Please more like that? I want to see all of your body too. Men do tend to like that. By the way, what does your friend look like? Is she as hot as you?

As always I enjoy our e-mails and I look forward to the next one!

Chris

From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 19, 2011 7:26:08 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: …will be lucky to meet you…
Reply-To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>Hello!!
Chris, thank that you continue write me!!
I like to think about you and about our meeting!Now my parents don`t worry about me as before because now they know you are a kind man and can help me if I will need your help. You can show me your city and tell me about the life over there! I think I didn’t write you I like cooking. I will cook RUScuisine for you! Pelmeni, vareniki, blini, borsch, okroshka! You will like it! Besides I like Italian and Mexican. I love spaghetti and pizzza!!!!! mmm…I like bananas! I can’t live without it! I like Mexican food because it’s very spicy, although I don’t cook Mexican dishes too often. I’ve been told my cooking is very tasty! I like to cook cakes. my favorite is cheese-cake with raspberry! You know… when I talk about food I’m getting hungry ) I eat everything and I’m not on any diets but usually I don’t eat after 7 pm. This helps me not to be fat! I can cook many tasty things for you when we will meet! You know.. almost all Russian men are like bears! They are so rude, they can’t be nice and polite, they don’t want to have a family. I think you are not like them. I like to go to the cinema! I really like to watch a good movie with my friends. 50 percents of movies in our cinemas are Russian and about 50 American. actually my favorite actor is Matt Damon and I like all movies with him. I’ve watched “Adjustment Bureau” Have you seen it?
could you recommend me any American movie so I can watch it? What is your favorite movie and actor? Soooo… what else could I say? I have a driver’s licence but I don’t have a car. My father has a russian car and he gives me his car sometimes. I don`t like only cinema! I like theatre and opera too, I like ballet. I am dancing modern dances a little! Unfortunately there is only one small theatre in my city and there is nothing interesting. If I want to go to ballet, for example, I should go to Krasnoyarsk, there sometimes can come famous Russian actors and dancers but I can’t go there often because it’s quite expensive. By, the way, one thing else about my trip. Agency will help me to rent a room to stay near my future work. I will share this room with a few girls yet, it is usual procedure and it helps to pay the rent (it will be cheaper). And I have a question, is it normal if we will like each other may be it is possible to live together?of course if you or somebody doesn’t mind. As you know I will stay there for three months but If I will like there I will be able to prolong my trip. I think I will be able to improve my english and you can learn Russian and I think it will help us to learn each other better,who knows. I had no sex during one year..  Do you have a big wide bed?(joke).And now I have some good news for you! After sending this email I will go home, take my packed bags and go to Krasnoyarsk! From there I will fly to Moscow! I`m really afraid to fly on a plane! I hope my plane will not fall down! I’m really afraid! It is several hours from Krasnoyarsk to Moscow. when I come to Moscow and settle down I will write you an email. I hope today I will be able to write you. Please don’t worry about me if you don’t hear from me today or tomorrow, that will mean I was not able to find a place to stay and I will write you after tomorrow. In Moscow I will spend a week or maybe even more, I should make all final arrangements with my documents and after it I will come to you! I’ve never been to Moscow before and I’m so nervous now… I’ve never went somewhere alone and now I should go alone to such big city! I really want to talk to you by phone, but as I don`t have a mobile phone, I will find a public phone in Moscow with international calls. you know… I had such great desire to start my trip already.. and now I feel myself like a newborn kitten who has even didn’t open it’s eyes… I just want to hug my mommy and don’t want to go anywhere… but I know that’s my dream to start a new life and I will try to turn in to reality! Soon you will hear some news from me from Moscow!!!!!!!! hope I’m only for you! love you and kisses!Evgeniya

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 19, 2011 1:48:25 PM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: …will be lucky to meet you…Hi Evgeniya,As always I greatly enjoy your detailed e-mails and your beautiful pictures. But I am very sad. I don’t think you are reading my e-mails too much. I am telling you details about my life and I don’t think you are reading them or taking them too seriously. Or maybe you are too much in love. Or maybe you are drinking too much vodka, I don’t know. Let me re-cap, I am 45 years old, I am married to a possessive woman named Eve and the father of two boys. I am an onion farmer, a simple man of the dirt, well, not totally simple, I am also an educated man who went to the University of Iowa who has a Master of Arts from there and really loves the Iowa Hawkeyes. But my onion crop was destroyed this year by a terrible flood, this website explains what happened:http://www.facebook.com/savemyonionfarm?sk=wall I am very poor, very, very poor, I owe the government over $200,000 and one day they will send the men with no necks and black sunglasses to take me away. Until then I live on credit cards and meet with the political big shots and ask them to help us. And I drink heavily. And I don’t eat breakfast and I enter Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes and the McDonalds Monopoly contest too! But I won’t collect bottles and cans along the road. I do love my wife very much, she puts up with my crap and she clips my toenails.I asked Eve my wife if it was okay if we take in a beautiful 26 year old Russian woman to be like a second wife, to cook and work at a department store and eat bananas and sleep together in our big bed, but my wife just laughed and said no. I cried, and I cried, and I cried, and I begged and I begged, and I cried, and I said “PLEASE,” and she said NO!” Then she left the room, and grabbed my gun, AND SHE POINTED IT AT ME AND SAID SHE WOULD SHOOT MY MANHOOD OFF IF SUCH A THING EVER HAPPENED! Then she laughed like Hannibal Lector from “Silence of the Lambs” and read a book. Now I am scared. So if you come, and she chases me out, I MUST LEAVE WITH YOU! Can you take me back to Moscow? Can you take care of me? I can work on a farm very hard! Are there any onion farms near where you live? I can cook too and I promise I will not become fat for you! I will be your sex slave and do your laundry and mow the lawn and do all sorts of odd jobs. Typically my feet don’t smell but I have an “inny” belly button that does tend to collect lint. I hope you don’t view that as a turn off.Plus I want to be totally honest with you, I have some other defects I must share with you. For one, I’ve only recently started to wet the bed. Not often, just on occasion, when I get agitated or excited. Or drunk. My wife refers to it as “a touch of the dab.” She actually finds it attractive, she thinks of me as her little puppy dog. All you need to do is put some newspaper around me. Also, I have some issues with warts. It goes back to my college days when I sowed my wild oats. Don’t worry, i don’t think you can catch them, and if you do we in America have some pretty powerful ointments that take care of the itch.

I love the movies. I spend most of my days when I’m not working watching tv or movies. My favorite actor, Ernest Borgnine. Any movie with him in it is a classic. I did watch the “Adjustment Bureau” and it was okay but I usually don’t like documentaries. I love American tv, including “The Brady Bunch” and “Gilligans Island” classic high drama like that. Opera confuses me too much.

You said you will be living for a while with a bunch of other girls. Any chances you will be having pillow fights? If so, can you take some pictures of that and send them?

I do have a driver’s license and a minivan and a truck but what I love to drive the most is my parent’s John Deere lawn mower. When I mow the lawn I will drink three or four beers or one to two 4 Lokos. Then I will sing American rock music like a madman. I will also threaten to jump the large drainage ditch to make my friend Donald happy. Speaking of music, do you like the Russian trololo guy? We in America love him! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1orMXD_Ijbs

You have great taste in food and sexy taste in clothes. Your poses are better than the Monkees tv show! Please send more pictures! And don’t worry about the plane, it will not fall down, this link from Wiki on aerodynamics will explain why:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aerodynamics

Why on earth didn’t you have sex for a year? Can we talk about this more? How did you spell relief girl?  Feel free to open up between us!

Well, I will send another e-mail with more pictures. You have a safe trip. My wife is now mad at me but if you can’t stay with me there are lots of farmers around here who would be very interested in getting to know you more, that’s for sure! I do think you are very sweet!

Chris

From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 19, 2011 3:57:04 PM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: …will be lucky to meet you…

Hey Evgeniya,

I sent you a reply an hour or so ago (see below) but I also wanted to send you some photos and a link to my YouTube page. My YouTube page has my many media appearances about my farm, including some with some bigwigs, as well as some college videos too which may make you laugh. Some of them I am drinking in, some I am sober. My wife won’t let me upload the ones with the naughty words. She is such a babushka.

Here is my YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/ChrisPawelski?feature=mhee

Here are some more photos:

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From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 20, 2011 5:21:21 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: good weather..I am very glad to write you again!!! I in Capital of our country!!I was in a travel agency, all my documents are ready. Now they are checking a possible flight to your air port. They will give me all information (date and time of my arrival, etc.) tomorrow I think. Tomorrow I will continue to see M o s c o w, like a tourist. In Moscov there are so many different museums! Here good weather, about -1`C, but I feel myself so alone.  Everything here is very expensive, not like in my city… Everywhere are big crowds of people! Everyone rush somewhere and I don`t know anybody here. I feel uncomfortable because of it but I hope I will be OK soon. You can’t imagine how happy I am because I already started my trip to you! I still cannot believe I’ve done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Something amazing occurs inside of me after I have received your first letter! My heart lost calm since then. But it’s interesting that it does not want to find it again! Every my cell shouts about how it wants to see you. I want to see and kiss you! My sun, you know perhaps, but I’ll tell you that you are the clearest man in the world. My sun! I cannot even think without you, I become silly! I do not want even to breath without you! I need you as an air. It’s so incredibly stuffy without you, and I can really breathe of you! I’m finishing my letter and I want to thank you for hope you offer me.P.SPlease CONFIRM the name of int. airport (and his code) and be sure you wrote it right.

kiss you,Evgeniya

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 20, 2011 8:25:23 AM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: good weather..Dear, dear Evgeniya,It seems two of my e-mails must have passed you by. I hope you did not miss them, like a passing ship in the night. In the first I commented on your wonderful e-mail, on the foods you enjoy, the movies you like, your driving, and I shared my bed wetting issues, my warts on my private parts, and other issues. In the second e-mail I sent some pictures of me as well as a link to my YouTube page which contains videos I have either appeared in or made. You will either cry tears of sadness or joy, or be horribly confused. Here is the link:http://www.youtube.com/user/ChrisPawelski?feature=mheeTo recap, I am a 45 year old man who is married over 21 years to a wonderful woman who currently wants to keep me, and is the father of two young, good, smart boys, who are always hungry. I am an onion farmer, and man of the dirt, the soil, the mud. I pick weeds and rocks and most importantly, onions. I love onions, their skin and their scent. Woman who smell like onions are very sexy to me. Do you smell like onions? This season a Hurricane came and caused a flood which destroyed my crop. I lost all my onions and now I am thousands of dollars in the hole. I am poor and very sad. This page explains it all:http://www.facebook.com/savemyonionfarm?sk=wallI don’t live near any cities nor near any airports. I live near some bus stations but they are very dirty and only bad men who do drugs live and sleep there. You would not want to go there.

I asked my wife if you could live with us like one big happy family but she said no, she already has one loafer too many she has to take care of and that is me. My wife is a good woman and I don’t want to get her mad at me or she will throw me out of my own house and then my kids won’t see me anymore, I’ll have no place to live and I’ll start to be like the smelly people at the bus station who talk to themselves.

But, I have a bigger secret I must protect. A secret that is so important it involves the whole world. Not just our world, but many worlds. I know it sounds confusing, but I can explain. It’s a secret I have been carrying for many years, and it has been crushing my soul, and I must finally share it with someone. Even my dearest wife does not know. But I know, from our few e-mails, that you are very special and I can share my secret with you. Can I do that, can I share a special secret … a dangerous secret … with you and only you … and can you keep and tell no one? EVEN MY WIFE AND CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW THIS!

Oh, I am bursting inside and I have to finally tell someone after so many years and I feel you are that special someone. I am a time travel. I am a soldier, from the year 2120. My rank is major, I am a leader of men. I’m not supposed to be here, in the past, but the human race is at war with cybernetic life forms from a distant planet in our galaxy who have the power of time travel. We have stolen their technology and adapted it. In the course of one battle, 20 years ago, I was thrown back in time, in what is called a “Jefferson temporal curve.” And here I am. At least 15 of these cybernetic creatures were thrown back in time with me. 3 of them posses the technology to get back and I am trying to find those 3 and kill the rest. I have taken out 7 over the years and have severely disabled 2. I have one in my possession. Plus I am doing everything in power to not contaminate or pollute the timeline. I have a device which enables me to communicate, in a limited way and in short bursts, with my timeline. The problem is that my device requires massive amounts of energy. I have to steal energy from un obvious sources to mask my energy use. For example, Fukushima, I was able to divert power from there to power my device before the melt down. I was never a good student of history when I was in school and truth be told, much was lost after the 3rd World War, but I do know basic facts about my past, your present and future. I’m trying to lay as low as possible, to stay out of history’s way, and to take out those cybernetic bastards that come my way. I love my 20th/21th century wife and family but I miss my 22nd century family. No, I wan’t married, but I miss my men, I miss my parents, I miss my world, and I want to take it back from these invaders. “F”: these bastards!

But my dear, I do not want to put you at risk, or your great great great grandchildren at risk, despite the love that may be between us. Further, if the cybernetic life forms recognize that you are special to me they may target you for elimination. That being said, do you know any hand to hand combat techniques or how to discharge small weapons? Do you have a cat? Cats can sense them, even from great distances. Watch your back … trust no one.

I need you to stay safe, in the country. As much as this breaks my heart to say this … but I need you to find a good man to help you make many babies, to make more babies, to prepare for the invasion … to fight for the survival of humanity.

Your soldier, the poor dirt farmer,

Chris

From: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Date: December 21, 2011 6:02:07 AM EST
To: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Subject: 27,December!
Reply-To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>

Chris hello! excuse me that I could not write to you earlier….. I’m writing to you as soon as I can!!!!!! I was busy with many arrangements!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also I had to repeat some words for my English test and I finally passed my test today morning!!!
today I was in the travel agency and I received an information about my trip! I will be very thankful to you if you can meet me at the Airport!

I will arrive to you on Tuesday, 27 December I shall inform number of flight, the terminal and an arrival time probably Sunday or on Monday. more in detail look at the end of the letter. I copied the information of agency

I hope so much it’s a good day for you to meet me!

I am so glad to see that we are almost near our goal,and our meeting wait for us. I think I will call you from airport before my flight. You know I booked tickets on Tuesday, 27 December flight and I will buy them before my intervew. People from embassy must be sure that I am not going to stay illegally, so I need to buy roundtrip tickets (with returning date). I wanted to ask you about electronic tickets but they tell that I can’t use because it is their businees to arrange all travel details and they have some extra money from all the things, you see it is just business.I think that you will be able to help me because I don’t know anybody here and only you are my hope now, I think everything in your hands and I believe that you will not leave me here alone.please borrow some money. I am sure I will be able to return all your money back after a few weeks, I will get salary and I will collect the sum I own from you. To be fair I am not sure I know what to say because I hate to ask but now I have no different way, you see.Please help me it is only money and much more important if we will meet in person I will do my best, you won`t be disappoined. I see that it sounds a little crazy but I can’t believe that in the worst case I have to return home,they all will laugh at me.I think it rests with you to decide and I feel that you will help me because you are kind. I have about 300 US dollars yet and I think I need about 980 US dollars from your side with all travel needs and living here till my flight! (I had 1180 dollars, but flight from Krasnoyarsk, opening visa, medical insurance and all travel needs costed about 800 dollars). For truth I did not expect I will need to buy roundtrip tickets, but now I see that its a very strict rule. I was sure that my mom will help me becasue she promised but now she sent letter that it is possible only in a few months or so because of family problems.and she can’t send transfer now.I was in the bank to try to ask them about loan but they tell I have to have something to stay them and I have nothing to stay because I have only a few dress and things,some perfume and it is all I have,and small gift for you from russia with love.

please send it today by Western Union or Money Gram I will write you details:!!! send it to russia, Evgeniya Trofimowa !!!!This is my full name!

Also I’ve got an advice to send you a scan copy of my passport in case you need to confirm my details.

this is my full name used in all official documents. They said this is all info you need. But please for any case write down more info. The address where I’m staying: Bolshaya Yakimanka, 23-94 , post code (zip) 109017. I rent a small room In an apartment of an old policeman here, it’s cheaper then hotel.The address of the closest Western Union (or MoneyGram) here is:

“Alfa Bank” Moscow , 109017, Bolshaya Yakimanka – 19, stroenie 1

I have some money but it’s not enough to complete my trip. Please send me 980 US dollars and I will complete my trip! After it please write me all details about the transfer –

your FULL NAME and Money Transfer Control Number.!!

I will call you as soon as I receive it. When I receive the money I will pay for my trip and only then the embassy will put all final stamps on my documents. I’ve bought you few souvenirs with Russian attributes!!! I’m sure you will like them! If you need something more please let me know, they are not expensive. Also I bought two boxes of Russian chocolate! I hope so much when I come to you we will like each other! You are already very special to me! Please when I come to you tell me more about you and your country! I will listen to everything you tell me and I will do everything you tell me! I trust you really much! I hope you will not do something to hurt my feelings…. I think you are really good man. I will never do anything to hurt yours!!! By statistics Moscow is the second most expensive city in the world after Tokyo… everything is so expensive here… and I have to pay for my rent and food and buy tickets.. please help me.. Sorry if I missed something or didn’t comment please let me know I was so busy with with all preparations!!!!

Evgeniya

TRAVEL INFO : Evgeniya Trofimowa
———————————————————————–
© Travel Agency “Tri Fontana-Travel Agency”.
———————————————————————–
TRAVEL INFO : Evgeniya Trofimowa – private tour.(work visa)
Russian-English
variants.ENGLISH SPEAKING GUIDE
———————————————————————–
Travel dates for: Ms. Evgeniya Trofimowa Please label the inside and outside of each piece of baggage to> be checked in with your name and where possible your address. Suitable baggage labels and stickers are available free of charge. In advance of your journey. please note the current free baggage allowance included in your ticket price. You can find this information in the internet or via your Airline contact person. In case you booked a special fare please note that it can be subject to restrictions. Travel Abroad: When preparing to travel> abroad for less than 5 months, it is important to ensure entry to another country . Depending on the country to be visited and the worker’s nationality, it may be necessary to apply for a visitor visa.The worker must have: a valid passport or travel document, valid visa . Furthermore, page 4 must be signed by the RO. No special permission is needed, but it is important to have a valid passport,valid visa and all travel documents.

Thank you for your booking and have a pleasant journey. Kind regards.”Tri Fontana-Travel Agency” is a licensed and officially registered travel agency. Travel agency “Tri Fontana-Travel Agency”.

Our goal is to provide quality services for group and individual
travelers.
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Please use our service. managers: Tatyana
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The nearest possible flight is – Tuesday, 27 December 2011. From Russia, Moscow,Sheremetyevo Inter Airport. Price: foreign passport,visa,tax,consulate fee,ticket Eco.class.USD 1280.00+
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This reservation will be automatically cancelled if the order is not purchased until Monday, 26 December 2011.

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From: Chris Pawelski <evep@warwick.net>
Date: December 21, 2011 8:05:15 AM EST
To: Evgeniya <kularevgen_86@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: 27,December!My Dear Evgeniya,I don’t know how else to say this, my cover appears to be blown. Chrono physics or temporal mechanics was never a strong suit of mine but it was imperative that U.S. intelligence services not become aware of me, of who I am, where I am from and most importantly, what technology and knowledge of the future I posses. It could change the entire timeline, and not for the good. Well, backscatter from our e-mails have been collected from the NSA and they are on to me. Further, I was just attacked from one of the cybernetic life forms last night. I took him out, but, when I downloaded the information in his central processing core I found out something very disturbing my love … HE HAD A DETAILED FILE ABOUT YOU! INCLUDING YOUR CURRENT WHEREABOUTS! I KNEW WHERE YOU WERE BEFORE I RECEIVED YOUR E-MAIL THIS MORNING!So, the U.S. intelligence apparatus is after me now and the cybernetic life forms are after you. I’ve now killed 8. I’ve severely disabled 2, I can’t destroy them but they are in a place that can do no harm (and cannot corrupt the timeline). As I said I have one in my possession. That leaves 4, I think. I’m not totally sure. But I’m pretty sure at least 2 are in Eastern Europe right now. They are there attempting to obtain certain minerals needed to build what’s called a “Kennsington Device.” It’s a weapon, a very powerful weapon, one that makes matter unstable, and at short range can destroy a city block. I have to stop them. They need to obtain materials here on the eastern seaboard of the United States and it’s here that Ill take them out, recapture the equipment needed to rebuild the time traveling device, and go back home. But I need to stay ahead of the various U.S. intelligence agencies, who are going to be watching me now. Remember I mentioned I have one of the cybernetic bastards disabled. Well, I forgot to mention, they are shape shifters, they can assume the form or appearance of anyone, your mother, your best friend, your lover, even you. Well, here’s my plan, I’m going to re-program this one to look exactly like me. Then, I’m going to program it to think that it is me, with specific instructions. When the various U.S. intelligence agencies come to take me in he’ll try to get away, but it will be a half hearted effort … he’ll let them take them in. Oh, it will be on the news, local onion farmer taken in for questioning, but they’ll take my “twin” in to a secure location but he’ll give them NOTHING! And I’ll slip away.Here’s what i need you to do. As I’ve mentioned many times, in my cover as an onion farmer I am very poor, all my cash resources are gone. So, I need you to send me that $300 you mentioned in your e-mail. I need it ASAP because I expect the CIA at my door any minute. I have a secure account you can wire it to if you agree to send it. Then, my love, YOU MUST GO DARK. The cybernetic life forms are coming for you. And, if the NSA finds you a valuable asset they may send agents after you as well. Trust no one. I am so sorry I brought you into this. I was just curious at first who saw my profile when you sent that first e-mail. I thought you might be one of those cybernetic life forms playing games with me. Little did I know you would be my Russian “flower.”

I must go dark now … I won’t be able to respond to anymore of your e-mails for fear of tracking by U.S. intelligence or those cybernetic bastards. If I get back to the future I will tell your great great great great great grandchildren how beautiful and brave you were.

Your soldier onion farmer,

Chris

He sniffs his hat …

Posted on by
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The following below is an excerpt from my unpublished memoir, “Muckville: Farm Policy, Media and the Strange Oddities of Semi-Rural Life.”

Many years ago, during one of our initial disaster seasons (post 1996) my brother and I noticed our dad started sniffing his hat. Just like that. We’d be in our office, thinking about how bad the crop was due to the weather, and my dad would take his hat off and sniff it. A good, deep sniff, followed by a series of mini sniffs. Just like that. After a few dozen times, when it passed being a tic and was obvious now a codified and repeated habit, my brother and I asked my dad, “why the hell do you keep sniffing your hat?” So he said, “I can smell the stress.” “Huh?” “The stress, the trouble, the pressure, I can tell how bad it is by the smell of that smell.” “What’s it smell like” we asked. “Strong” he replied, it’s a bad year and I can smell it in my hat.” So, only mildly grossed out we said hey, whatever floats your boat dad, but, that’s weird we told him.

A few years later, in 2010, my Facebook friend Mike B. once got a fortune cookie that said:

“Never smell the inside of a hat.” 

I kid you not. He took a picture of it and e-mailed it to me. In 2009 my dad let me chronicle hat sniffing in a series of photos. They are now saved for posterity. And here they are:

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So, my mom must call four five times a day, every day, asking “where’s your father?” She calls the barn, she calls my house, she leaves messages on the answering machine at the barn. I’ve thought about composing a Dr. Seuss like response but instead I’ve come up with a better idea … I’m going to microchip my dad and give my mom the code …

http://animals.howstuffworks.com/pets/pet-travel/pet-microchip1.htm

This comment of mine above, which was originally posted on Facebook, led to my creatively genius of a friend Donald W. to compose a response in the form of Dr. Seuss that touches on my dad’s hat sniffing, my mom’s eternal search for him, my love of 4 Lokos and Neurogasms and of course … onions!

The Dad Who Smells his Hat Comes Back, By Dr. WizSuess

This was no time for play. This was no time for fun. This was no time for games, for the time to harvest the mud grunions had came. Mud grunion harvest time was not a time to disappear like a jerk, mud grunion harvest time was a time for work.

All those grunions stacked in the bulk boxes so high had to have to go, have to go where the hellamumfifsis is that guy?

When our mother went to town for the day, she said, ”Somebody has to keep an eye on that guy, somebody, somebody has to, you see!”

Then she picked two somebodies it was Brian and me.

Well…. There we were. We were working pulling ends on the field just like that when who should appear but Ol Hat Sniffin Cadillac Jack!

”Oh-oh Brian said. ”Dont take you eye off ol Jack, if we lose him again mom’ll give a wack!”

I said ”Oh nooooo Jack not this time you hear, I watch you and watch you like Skin Head watches his beer!”

”Disappear!” laughed ol Jack. ”Oh no, no, no need for alarm, Im jus gonna go check the four lokos back at the farm!” ”You two keep your mind on the mud grunions and the Zong Wokets we hired, Im gotta go check on the pressure in the forklifters 5th & 8th tires!”

Then ol Hat Sniffin Jack grabbed this throat mimicking a person who is so parched they can spit and pronto he was gone just like that lickety split!!!

It was then that Brian and I hatched a plan, a plan to help mom keep track of her man. We’d buy a device a GPS and inject em…well we would inject it right up his….

Solar Plexus…when he was sleeping of course so he’d never suspect us!

So I ran to the barn and was taken aback, for there was ol Jack just a sniffin his hat. Thats when I got mad and screached at my dad…we no time for hat sniffin you disappearing curmudgeon there’s work to be done harvesting grunions!

Now get out of this barn we dont want you about….I’ll take the dammed Four Lokos and dump them all out!

It was then when my mind got a nudge to think like a think like a Hollywood judge! Id get a ankle lock not one but two to be exact and just like Lindsay Lohan I lock his ass in ankletracking Lo Jacks!

Well Brian and Mom and all the Zong Wockets rejoiced and regailed and sang songs of celebrunion…… as we hauled and hauled and gradzooted the mud grunions….for it was no longer a worry to look for Ol Hat Sniffen Cadillac Jack with his disappearing spasms now if only I could thinkafy a way to get Eve to drink the Neurogasms!

Check out my YouTube channel!

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So … I have a YouTube channel … ta da:

https://www.youtube.com/user/ChrisPawelski

It has some informative … entertaining and just plain weird stuff on it. Some videos are fairly and not so fairly recent news appearances. Some are very old family movies that are also … just plain weird. Some are recent farming related videos. And some are college related videos. If you are a fan of Professional Wrestler Mick Foley …

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… check some of them out … Mick appears in some of them (he was the teaching assistant for our studio production class at SUNY Cortland). Here is one example:

I have a really funny one that was a parody of the “Just Say No” campaigns but it has me saying some naughty words and Eve won’t let me upload it. One day ….

For an example of news pieces here is one … from WABC TV in NYC when they did a story about my $150,000 bag of onions on eBay (plus a free 5 gallon bucket of genuine dirt):

For funny and weird family movies check out my dad’s home movies from his Army days … this is priceless material:

I was also for 3 summers an instructor at Northwestern University’s National High School Institute or “Cherub” program:

http://www.northwestern.edu/nhsi/

Some of the videos are projects from the students I helped teach. Here is one example:

So, feel free to check it out and even subscribe if you like!

Man vs. Squirrel

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The following is another excerpt from my yet unpublished memoir, “Muckville: Farm Policy, Media and the Strange Oddities of Semi-Rural Life.” It involves one man’s war against squirrels in order to keep his nuts.

Man vs. Squirrel

Where we live is a very rural area, with thousands of acres of wide- open farmland. We have some wooded areas and small mountains nearby, but not within a mile or two from my house and the barns where we pack our onions, which are on the same property as my house. What this translates into is essentially a low squirrel population zone. Squirrels you see in the woods, or in a suburban neighborhood. We simply are not that. But, on occasion, every so often, a squirrel or three will venture out to our area. They must be forward scouts or something. You’ll see them in the trees or running around for a few days. Then eventually you’ll find them on the side of the road, dead, roadkill.

Set within that context allow me to present one example of the eternal battle waged between MAN and NATURE. I proudly present this microcosm of the struggle … Polish walnut lover vs. the squirrels!

My brother lives outside the Village of Montgomery, about 30 minutes from my house and the barns. He has 4 walnut trees in his yard and my dad back in September of 2010 had him collect a bunch of the nuts that had fallen from the tree to bring to him at the barn. Did I mention that my dad loves walnuts? For those of you not familiar with walnuts, Wiki points out:

“Walnuts are rounded, single-seeded stone fruits of the walnut tree. The walnut fruit is enclosed in a green, leathery, fleshy husk. This husk is inedible. After harvest, the removal of the husk reveals the wrinkly walnut shell, which is in two halves.”

My dad early that morning separated most of the walnuts from their green outer shell, which took some time and effort, and then decided to lay them out to dry out on my blacktop in front of my house. It took him about an hour to separate the nut from the outer green goo casing. He so loves these black walnuts. Where he laid them out was clearly visible from the barn where we were working, and since it was warm and dry we had the barn doors open. As I would feed the grader with onions and take away the stacked pallets I would occasionally catch a glance of my dad’s walnuts on the ground.

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He had two distinct piles, those shelled and those still with the green outer casing.

As we were grading, around mid morning, I brought in some boxes of onions from outside into the barn and I noticed a flash of gray. It was a squirrel. It was making a dash for the pile of booty. And then I blinked and there was another one, heading towards the walnuts. As I watched, doubling over in laughter, the two squirrels started taking all of the nuts my dad had separated from the casing this morning. They were in heaven; they had found a veritable walnut goldmine.

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I told my dad and everyone at the grader what was happening. My dad says, “hmm … how they know, they must smell them or something.” I said, “looks like the squirrels are taking all of your nuts.” My dad replies, “I’m going to follow them and take them back.” I replied, “looks like they are winning here.” In response he said, “it’s two against one, that’s not fair.” He chased them to our neighbor Moose’s yard. They went up a tree and also tried to hide some of the nuts in different little spots on Moose’s yard. He gathered what he could, the squirrels watching helpless … for the moment.

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My dad went back to our yard and proceeded to gather all of the nuts he separated from the shell and put them in a bucket and covered the bucket. He had the last laugh … or so he thought …..

About 10 minutes later I look back out towards my house and the squirrels were not so easily deterred. They knocked over the cover to the bucket. So in response my dad took away the ones he already had shelled. But they weren’t so easily deterred.

The squirrels started to shell the unshelled nuts he had left. By the way, they furiously licked those nuts before they scurried away with them, almost as if they knew his counter-plot to steal them back. They then started working on the ones that weren’t shelled. One after another after another they shelled, licked furiously and scampered away with the walnuts. Doubling over with laughter I called my dad, “you better do something quick, or you ain’t gonna have no nuts left.”

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Quickly my dad grabbed some onion bags and started to put the nuts in them. He then hung them in the bag on the clothes line, and went back to the barn. What do you think happened a few minutes later?  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in this instance on man versus nature, score one for the squirrels.

I have photographs of all of this, as you can all see.

Say hello to Boris, the maybe vampire peddler who wants back fat from pig!

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The following is an excerpt from my yet unpublished memoir, “Muckville: Farm Policy, Media and the Strange Oddities of Semi-Rural Life.” This little vignette is about my encounter with an Ukrainian peddler named Boris who might be a vampire and was in great need of large quantities of back fat, from pig.

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“Excuse me, do you sell back fat from pig?”

On August 17th, 2010, we were harvesting onions. I was working the big field lift on the yard. My brother was driving the harvester and my dad was out and about for some reason. Between one of the army truck loads of onions, a guy pulls in with a van. He is obviously a produce peddler. I say “obviously” because we deal with these types all the time. They usually sell to small markets and specialty stores and bodegas in NYC. They are of some foreign origin, either Korean or Russian or something else, where you have an extreme difficulty in communicating with them. Universally, they want everything cheap, and they are mostly a pain in the ass.

The guy gets out and he starts to talk to me. I’m too far away to hear at first clearly so I have him repeat what he said. His accent is thick and he sounds Russian. I later learn he is Ukrainian. He sticks out his hand and says “I am Boris” and then asks about onions and butternut squash (he sees a bulk box of squash next to the door.

And then he asks for something I have never been asked for before: “I need 2,000 lbs, every month, of the back fat from the pig.”

Excuse me? That was a new one. I paused for a moment, and without cracking a smile, because he wasn’t, I bit and asked “what for?” He was a little cagey on that detail, and never really gave me an answer. I prodded, “to barbeque?” He laughed and said “no, no, no, you don’t barbeque back fat from pig.” He then kept emphasizing,

in his thick Russian accent he needs lots of back fat … from pig. “And it must be 2, 3 inches thick, you understand?”

I responded with, “dude, I grow onions, not pigs, I really can’t help you there. Did you try the Quaker Creek Store next door?” “Yes, yes, they only have a little, I need 2,000 to 3,000 lbs, every month. And it MUST be 2 to 3 inches thick.” “Of course it must, who the hell thin slices back fat from pig,” I responded with. I had no idea what the hell we were talking about.

He then asked me for some cucumbers and other greens that I don’t grow so I suggest he call my neighbors, Ray and Gary Glowaczewski, who grow all sorts of stuff and sell them at various greenmarkets. I gave Boris their office phone number that he immediately calls on his cell and he starts talking to their mom, Ceil. He doesn’t preface the call with “Hi, my name is Boris and I like to buy produce from you” in his thick Ukrainian accent but instead says this in his thick Russian accent:

“Hello, I want to come visit and speak with you. Tell me where are you? What is your address that I may come visit with you now?”

Their mom was not disclosing anything to Boris. So Boris handed me the phone and I had to tell her that he was a guy interested in produce, and I added “he appears to be harmless.” Boris nodded in agreement. I left out the part about the back fat from the pig. She thanked me and then told Boris where their farm was located at (about a mile down the road).

Before he left we started talking about the back fat again. He repeated that he could move 2,000 pounds a month, easy. I asked. “Is there, like, a back fat holiday season coming up or something?” He looked at me quizzically and then smiled and said, “not really, but you would not like it, you have to start eating the back fat when you are this tall (he held his hand up about 2 feet high) in order to like it.” I didn’t question the veracity of that assertion. He then shook my hand and left to go to the Glowaczewski’s in search of cucumbers and presumably, “back fat from pig.”

But that was not the last that I saw Boris. Later in October my dad and I were working in our barns installing our own insulation in the ceiling. We were elevated by a very unsafe, if not dangerous, in my humble opinion, elevated platform constructed by my dad. It was a series of skids, boards and the like, elevated higher by two forklifts.

I hate heights as it is, I really hated this.  We were roughly 16 feet in the air. I hear him pull up and he starts calling out “hellloooo” in the barn, looking for us.

I yell down from my perch “Who is that? Is that you Boris?”

Boris responds, “yes, it is me!” I ask him, “are you still looking for the back fat, 2, 3 inches thick?” He quickly replies, “from pig, yes!”

So I climb down and shake his hand. I tell him, soulfully, that I couldn’t locate any sources for his pig back fat, YET, but I’m working on it. He then asks if we have onions in 10 lb bags and we tell him no, just in 50 lb bags. My dad, always the salesman, then tries to sell him squash. Boris says, “I buy one bag tomorrow, to see what my customers say.”

We then talk about my fear of heights. He talks about some supervisor job he had somewhere in Europe “where he was many feet high” where he was scared at first then no more. I have no problem admitting I’m a wussy.

At this point I whip out my Droid X to take a picture. I tell him, “Boris, I need to take a picture of you and my dad. I always take pictures of my best customers.” I can truthfully say this, because he actually bought a bag of onions. Boris smiles, just a little. But my Droid X camera craps out 3 times!!!!!!! I can’t take his picture!

Frustrated I exclaim, “Boris, I can’t take your picture. Are you a vampire or something?” Boris pauses a brief moment and says, “nah, (short pause) I don’t think so, (another short pause) maybe.”

I thought about asking him if somehow is maybe being a vampire was related to his need for large quantities of back fat from a pig, but I was afraid of experiencing a real life “True Blood” moment and didn’t want to push it. He did mention again the back fat issue and for some reason he thinks I’m the local go to guy to get it. When we exchanged business cards outside he made sure to show me, with his thumb and finger, what a “good, fat 2, 3 inch” looks like, not 1 or a “pretend 2 inch.” I dutifully nod my head, in knowing agreement. We are starting to establish a genuine back fat bond.

If anyone out there reading this has any tips on locating some back fat, from pig, please pass them along. My almost vampire friend Boris from the Ukraine who is no longer afraid of heights would be very appreciative.

A new tv appearance.

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So, I appeared on tv back on May 10th in a story on YNN about the top priorities for the next Farm Bill that Rep. Maloney’s Agriculture Advisory Committee issued in a report.

My fantastic friend Sharon Soons does a fantastic job in the piece!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?

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So, Joey and I are out on a field of onions down Indiana Road going thru the fields doing some cultivating on our AC-G’s with a Buddingh Basket Weeder (http://www.buddinghweeder.com) and I called my dad to pick us up at noon or so.

I see him come down Indiana and stop at the bridge in front of the field. I park the tractor about 25 feet away and I am hit with an overpowering smell of skunk!

Me: “What the hell happened?”
Dad: “I caught a skunk, a baby skunk in a trap by the house … I let it out, put some cardboard over it … it didn’t spray me.”
Me: “You stink … I can smell you 30 feet away … it had to have had sprayed you.”
Dad: “It didn’t … I don’t know.”

At this point Joey pulls up with his tractor. I yell to him that my dad stinks. He yells back “No kidding, I can smell him from here … what the hell did you do?”

He repeats what he told me. Joey takes his shirt and covers it over his face. I have my head sticking out the window. Joey climbs into the back of the jeep from my side and cries for dad to open his window. he can’t … it’s broken.

Me: “Oh my God … this is terrible.”
Dad: “Ahh .. you eventually get used to it.”
Joey: “No you don’t. This is awful.”
Dad: “Maybe it sprayed on the ground and I sort of stepped in it. It could be on my shoes. I don’t know.”
Joey: “Gracie is going to love you. You better stay out of the house. And change your clothes.”
Me: “Pour gas on your shoes.”
Joey: “No, pour diesel fuel. That will take it out.”
Me: “I can’t breathe. I’m going to gag. This is horrible. Don’t touch anything in this truck.”
Dad: “You get used to it.”

As we drove past the Quaker Creek Store (http://www.quakercreekstore.com) my dad says with a smile “hey, you can smell the lunch special at Quaker Creek.” I replied with “Are you crazy? I just smell skunk.”

After I got home I called my mom and asked her if she could smell him.

Mom: “Yes! Are you nuts. He left his clothes outside.”
Me: “What was it on?”
Mom: (laughing) “He thinks now his pants were sprayed.

Just another day on the farm.